Quotes by Groucho Marx

"I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER."

"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."

"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."

"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."

"Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?"

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."

"I intend to live forever, or die trying."

"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."

"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."

"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."

"Women should be obscene and not heard."

"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."

"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early."

"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."

"I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt."

"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."

"It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy."

"I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."

"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."