Quotes by Jenny Eclair

"I can't tan naturally."

"The only way to go on holiday is with your expectations at ground level. Convince yourself before you go that the weather's going to be dreadful and there will be nylon sheets. You'll then be pleasantly surprised."

"I'm a schizophrenic mix of wannabe glamourpuss and absolute slob, and my style is very much magistrate-meets-barmaid."

"I think as time goes by you'll get female comics who are weirder - you'll get a female Mighty Boosh."

"I still can't set up the ironing-board. A complete Luddite."

"I am not sure gender ever won't be an issue in comedy, because I think that women do have different priorities in some respects."

"I am best viewed from a distance."

"Family is the one thing that is definitely not disposable."

"As a rule, wearing a bigger pair of jeans looks better than squishing yourself into a pair of jeans that used to fit before you gave up smoking."

"I think my siblings sometimes have to defend me within their social circles - they are both barristers."

"I might be needy, competitive and desperate but it's far better than being wet."

"I'm the least spiritual person in the world. I can't even abide a smelly candle. I know it's meant to make me relax, and that immediately makes my hackles rise."

"I prefer highs and lows to an even keel. Moderation is never something I've been good at."

"I am best viewed from a distance... and at night."

"Anyone who has dead straight hair wants curls."

"There should be more booing in shops and restaurants and places like that when when the service is bad. If you've had a poor breakfast in a hotel, you should put your knife and fork down and boo."

"A good fart joke makes me bawl with laughter, so will somebody farting. And the word 'poo.' You can't beat a good poo joke."

"My older sister is bossy, my brother is a stirrer and me - well, I am perfect!"

"I am very short-sighted, and if I don't like a situation I take my glasses off."

"I wouldn't say I was grumpy. It's more pathological - I have seismic tantrums. I get red in the face and cry at least three times a week, and I have to lie down and have a nap afterwards."