Quotes by Josh Billings

"Laffing iz the sensation ov pheeling good all over, and showing it principally in one spot."

"Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven; confess them to man and you will be laughed at."

"One of the greatest victories you can gain over someone is to beat him at politeness."

"Life is short, but it's long enough to ruin any man who wants to be ruined."

"There are two things in life for which we are never truly prepared: twins."

"Men mourn for what they have lost women for what they ain't got."

"Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you hold well."

"Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got."

"Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute."

"Most people when they come to you for advice, come to have their own opinions strengthened, not corrected."

"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there."

"As scarce as truth is, the supply has always been in excess of the demand."

"There are some people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the truth without lying."

"There is no greater evidence of superior intelligence than to be surprised at nothing."

"Men mourn for what they have lost; women for what they ain't got."

"The wheel that squeaks the loudest is the one that gets the grease."

"Wisdom has never made a bigot, but learning has."

"Learning sleeps and snores in libraries, but wisdom is everywhere, wide awake, on tiptoe."

"Laughter is the sensation of feeling good all over and showing it principally in one place."

"The thinner the ice, the more anxious is everyone to see whether it will bear."

"It iz better tew know nothing than tew know what ain't so."

"Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius."

"Genius ain't anything more than elegant common sense."

"There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness."

"One of the best temporary cures for pride and affectation is seasickness a man who wants to vomit never puts on airs."

"Money will buy a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail."

"It ain't often that a man's reputation outlasts his money."

"I haven't got as much money as some folks, but I've got as much impudence as any of them, and that's the next thing to money."

"The man whose only pleasure in life is making money, weighs less on the moral scale than an angleworm."

"Knowledge is like money: the more he gets, the more he craves."

"Time is like money, the less we have of it to spare the further we make it go."

"If you ever find happiness by hunting for it, you will find it, as the old woman did her lost spectacles, safe on her own nose all the time."

"There's a lot of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it."

"The best time for you to hold your tongue is the time you feel you must say something or bust."

"Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed."

"If there was no faith there would be no living in this world. We could not even eat hash with any safety."

"As a general thing, when a woman wears the pants in a family, she has a good right to them."

"The best way to convince a fool that he is wrong is to let him have his own way."

"It is not all bad, this getting old, ripening. After the fruit has got its growth it should juice up and mellow. God forbid I should live long enough to ferment and rot and fall to the ground in a squash."

"Marrying for love may be a bit risky, but it is so honest that God can't help but smile on it."

"Love looks through a telescope; envy, through a microscope."

"Love looks through a telescope envy, through a microscope."

"One of the rarest things that a man ever does, is to do the best he can."

"There is nothing so easy to learn as experience and nothing so hard to apply."

"Most people repent their sins by thanking God they ain't so wicked as their neighbors."

"There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together."

"I think when the full horror of being fifty hits you, you should stay home and have a good cry."

"The best medicine I know for rheumatism is to thank the Lord that it ain't gout."

"About the most originality that any writer can hope to achieve honestly is to steal with good judgment."

"A good way I know to find happiness, is to not bore a hole to fit the plug."

"Honesty is the rarest wealth anyone can possess, and yet all the honesty in the world ain't lawful tender for a loaf of bread."

"There are two kinds of fools: those who can't change their opinions and those who won't."

"There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory."

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself."

"To bring up a child in the way he should go, travel that way yourself once in a while."