"Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time."

"My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'"

"I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar!"

"And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money."

"Great dreams of great dreamers are always transcended."

"A friend told me that teenage girls are always looking for someone to pin their dreams on. That doesn't make it any less weird though."

"I'm living out my dreams and I love what I do."

"I've had dreams about tricks."