"I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar!"

"My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'"

"I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'"

"I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar."

"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife."

"The greatest deception is forgetting that a single moment of clarity can change a lifetime."

"I think the teaching profession contributes more to the future of our society than any other single profession."

"No harm comes to man from outside alone: dumbness is the objective spirit."