"The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor, I'm just gonna tell her, 'Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they'll have to hire you, they can't really fire you, and you don't have to produce that much. It'll be awesome.'"

"I don't know anything about computers."

"People look at me, and they go, 'You're white, you're smart, you must have went to college. You must have grown up with money.'"

"My mom was on welfare and the occasional food stamp, but I have never participated in any of those governmental programs, even the ones that kind of work like education, scholarships and whatever, and I managed to do just fine."

"What we think determines what happens to us, so if we want to change our lives, we need to stretch our minds."

"He who understands his own mind is never bewildered by the complexities of the world. For where clarity resides, peace inevitably follows."

"To master the mind is to understand that the pursuit of truth is a lifelong endeavor."

"Science gives us knowledge, but only philosophy can give us wisdom."