"If you're a woman and a guy's ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it."

"Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing."

"America's a family. We all yell at each other. It all works out."

"There's no real preparing at home for stand-up. You just go and you just do it."

"There is never time in the future in which we will work out our salvation. The challenge is in the moment; the time is always now."

"'Robopocalypse' explores the intertwined fates of regular people who face a future filled with murderous machines. It follows them as humanity foments the robot uprising, fails to recognize the coming storm, and then is rocked to the core by methodical, crippling attacks."

"Brands mature over time, like a marriage. The bond you feel with your spouse is different than when you first met each other. Excitement and discovery are replaced by comfort and depth."

"In our time political speech and writing are largely the defense of the indefensible."