"Thank you... Apple, for adding a camera to the iPod Nano. Now it's just like the iPhone except it can't make calls. So basically, it's just like the iPhone."

"Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports."

"I'm on so late I'm definitely the last seconds of anyone's attention. So I just want to give them something dumb to laugh at, so they go, 'That's funny,' then fall asleep."

"I'd be nothing without my wife. She's the coolest. She's the greatest. She is the smartest. She's the funniest. I love her so much. She's like the - it's like your best friend for the rest of your life."

"A life well-lived is a testament that gratitude turns what we have into enough."

"Great indebtedness does not make men grateful, but vengeful; and if a little charity is not forgotten, it turns into a gnawing worm."

"The paradox of freedom is that gratitude turns what we have into enough."

"We do not really feel grateful toward those who make our dreams come true they ruin our dreams."