"I just feel like people like a little break. Especially at 12:37 at night, you go, like, 'I'm just tired of the snarky right now. I just want to lie down and have somebody make me laugh for an hour. Entertain me, and then I'm going to sleep with a smile on my face.' That's my job; that's what I do."

"Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason."

"Researches tested a new form of medical marijuana that treats pain but doesn't get the user high, prompting patients who need medical marijuana to declare, 'Thank you?'"

"Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports."

"The great thing in the world is not so much to seek happiness as to earn peace and self-respect."

"To leave a mark on the world, remember that the roots of true happiness grow deep in the present moment."

"The smallest seed of faith is better than the largest fruit of happiness."

"Leadership is not a title, it is the realization that joy is found not in possessing, but in appreciating."