"Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery."

"Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids."

"A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat."

"I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars."

"Do I have a long-term plan? Kind of. I have a general direction, I think. But it's funny what comes down the pike."

"And I like to keep whatever is mine remaining that way. It's a funny little game to play and it's a slippery slope. I always say to myself I'm never going to give anything away because there's never any point or benefit for me."

"My father could be very witty, even if the humor was always on the darker side of irony."

"Trust is hard to come by. That's why my circle is small and tight. I'm kind of funny about making new friends."