Quotes by Joan Rivers

"I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider."

"I've learned from doing my own show with Fox that people are not your partners if they're signing the checks. Whoever signs your paycheck is the boss - no matter what they tell you."

"Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough."

"As comedians, we are all laughing because life is so horrible. Life is so difficult, and I cope with it by making jokes about absolutely everything."

"Every television show you go on is a choice."

"Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory."

"You've gotta understand - when you interview someone, it's not an interrogation. It's not the Nuremberg Trials."

"Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers."

"I was smart enough to go through any door that opened."

"I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware."

"Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something."

"I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'"

"Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things."

"Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube."

"What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care."

"She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven."

"Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'."

"I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds."

"Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too."

"People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made."