Quotes by Joan Rivers

"I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive."

"Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise."

"I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor."

"Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television."

"I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor."

"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present."

"Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you."

"Never floss with a stranger."

"If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor."

"I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again."

"I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio."

"Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds."

"The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it."

"Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you."

"I think I'm in a business where you have to look good, and it's totally youth-oriented."

"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on."

"The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found."