Quotes by Joan Rivers

"As comedians, we are all laughing because life is so horrible. Life is so difficult, and I cope with it by making jokes about absolutely everything."

"Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory."

"Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers."

"Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things."

"I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive."

"I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio."

"I've learned from doing my own show with Fox that people are not your partners if they're signing the checks. Whoever signs your paycheck is the boss - no matter what they tell you."

"What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care."

"I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor."

"I think I'm in a business where you have to look good, and it's totally youth-oriented."

"I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'"

"She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven."

"Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television."

"Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something."

"I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again."

"Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough."

"Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you."

"I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor."

"If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor."

"Every television show you go on is a choice."

"Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube."

"I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider."

"Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'."

"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on."

"Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you."

"I was smart enough to go through any door that opened."

"Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too."

"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present."

"People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made."

"Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds."

"Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise."

"Never floss with a stranger."

"The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found."

"I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds."

"I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware."

"The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it."

"You've gotta understand - when you interview someone, it's not an interrogation. It's not the Nuremberg Trials."