Quotes by Rita Rudner

"Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in."

"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."

"My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to."

"My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head."

"Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be."

"I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose."

"My Vegas act is how I make my money."

"I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose."

"I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose."

"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."

"Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times."

"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."

"Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid."

"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."

"In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk."

"In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk."

"In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk."

"To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'"

"To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'"

"We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet."

"My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives."

"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."

"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."

"I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso."

"I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again."

"Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry."

"Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry."

"Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?"

"I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours."

"There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better."

"Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie."

"When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always."

"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"

"A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax."