Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."

"Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide he exposes himself."

"I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."

"I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it."

"I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out."

"With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me."

"I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest."

"I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get."

"What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm."

"I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it."

"My mother had morning sickness after I was born."

"This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me."

"Men who do things without being told draw the most wages."

"When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother."

"My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend."

"We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together."

"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass."

"I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table."

"My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was."

"At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't."