"In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot car. But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their own hot cars so they wouldn't have to ride around with jerks."

"Informed decision-making comes from a long tradition of guessing and then blaming others for inadequate results."

"Women are treated differently by society for exactly the same reason that children and the mentally handicapped are treated differently."

"The best things in life are silly."

"Your smile will give you a positive countenance that will make people feel comfortable around you."

"I used to think that everything was just being funny but now I don't know. I mean, how can you tell?"

"I think I have always had a little humor."

"Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else."