"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."

"I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all."

"People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky."

"I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs."

"It is a humble truth that let thoughts come and go like clouds across an undisturbed autumn sky — an essential principle for the reflective life."

"It is a timeless truth that life is an unwritten ledger; each passing sunrise offers a clean and waiting page."

"To speak the truth in a season of deceit is an act of supreme bravery. Reflect upon this whenever doubt clouds your horizon — an essential principle for the reflective life."

"No lie ever reaches old age."