Quotes by Mitch Hedberg

"I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy."

"People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky."

"I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs."

"You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something."

"Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down."

"My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?"

"I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late."

"It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky."

"I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it."

"An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

"If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work."

"Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show."

"Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'"

"I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific."

"I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle."

"I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life."

"Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."

"I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart."

"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall."

"I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all."