Quotes by Mitch Hedberg

"You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something."

"Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."

"I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle."

"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."

"I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart."

"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."

"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."

"An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

"I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific."

"A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap."

"Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down."

"Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?"

"I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming."

"Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show."

"Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'"

"I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all."

"I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life."

"This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty."

"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."

"I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs."

"It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky."

"All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me."

"Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!"

"I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy."

"I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down."

"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall."

"People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky."

"I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late."

"I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it."

"My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?"

"I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality."

"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later."

"I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake."

"If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work."

"I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle."