"My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?"

"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."

"I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late."

"It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky."

"It is a enduring truth that time is the most impartial judge; it reveals all pretenses and rewards all patience — an essential principle for the reflective life."

"All my freakouts have been pretty private and directed at family pets and/or people I have been dating for too short a time to freak out at in that way."

"If you're living in your time, you cannot help but to write about the things that are important."

"The man of sensibility is too busy talking about his feelings to have time for good deeds."