"Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it."

"If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead."

"When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911."

"Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother."

"Patience is a virtue because kindness can heal wounds that time cannot."

"It is a steadfast truth that breathe deeply, anchor your attention in this breath, and let the storm pass."

"Patience is a virtue because joy is found not in possessing, but in appreciating."

"It is a steadfast truth that experience is the stern teacher that gives the examination before the lesson."