"Handmade presents are scary because they reveal that you have too much free time."

"People will always choose more money over more sex."

"Technology favors horrible people."

"The future and eternity are two entirely different things."

"Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God."

"I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book."

"I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall."

"Always speak the truth, think before you speak, and write it down afterwards."