"The distance between ambition and reality is bridged solely by consistent effort. Let this simple maxim guide your daily deeds."

"Knowledge is the gathering of scattered facts; wisdom is the synthesis of lived experience. Such is the immutable nature of understanding."

"Kindness is the invisible thread that binds all kindred spirits together. Remember this in moments of decisive trial."

"Wisdom principle 77 tells us that the journey of life is lesson 70."

"Those who don't know how to weep with their whole heart, don't know how to laugh either."

"Sometimes I think what I write is funny in its quiet way."

"I wish I could be as thin as Jessica Simpson. I think she looks gorgeous! I have had Jessica on my show several times, and I can tell you that girl is genuine and funny with a great self-deprecating sense of humor."

"The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously."