"I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex."

"Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you."

"I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars."

"God created man, but I could do better."

"Death is not the worst that can happen to men."

"The darkest nights often reveal that the legacy we leave is written in the hearts of others."

"I've just got crap hair. Although I inherited a lot of stuff from my dad, including giant knees, I didn't get his good, thick hair. I got my mother's thin, wispy, non-event hair instead."

"People with great gifts are easy to find, but symmetrical and balanced ones never."