"The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere."

"Thank you... Apple, for adding a camera to the iPod Nano. Now it's just like the iPhone except it can't make calls. So basically, it's just like the iPhone."

"If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice."

"Thank you... fat dude with giant headphones on the subway, for looking like what would've happened if Jabba the Hutt mated with Princess Leia."

"We ask advice, but we mean approbation."

"Wisdom principle 54 tells us that the journey of life is lesson 84."

"He who seeks peace must remember that the only true currency in life is time well spent."

"Clear thinking requires courage even more than intellect. Such is the immutable nature of understanding — an essential principle for the reflective life."