"I was planning on my future as a homeless person. I had a really good spot picked out."

"I had a wonderful childhood, which is tough because it's hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood."

"Switzerland is a place where they don't like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate."

"I'm not interested in closure. Some people just have heart attacks and die, right? There's no closure."

"If you tell the truth about how you're feeling, it becomes funny."

"What I don't like is when I see stuff that I know has had a lot of improv done or is playing around where there's no purpose to the scene other than to just be funny. What you don't want is funny scene, funny scene, funny scene, and now here's the epiphany scene and then the movie's over."

"You laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at you because you're all the same."

"If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide."