"I couldn't be happier that President Bush has stood up for having served in the National Guard, because I can finally put an end to all those who questioned my motives for enlisting in the Army Reserve at the height of the Vietnam War."

"I was planning on my future as a homeless person. I had a really good spot picked out."

"Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn't involve a woman."

"The best situation is being a single parent. The best part about is that you get time off, too, because the kids are with their mom, so it's the best of both worlds. There's a lot to be said for it."

"It's a positive thing to talk about terrible things and make people laugh about them."

"I got a lot of support from my parents. That's the one thing I always appreciated. They didn't tell me I was being stupid; they told me I was being funny."

"It's funny, I never considered that people are going to see me on the show and maybe stop me on the subway."

"A joke is a very serious thing."