"Thank you... fat dude with giant headphones on the subway, for looking like what would've happened if Jabba the Hutt mated with Princess Leia."

"I'm going to North Pole to help out Santa this year."

"I just feel like people like a little break. Especially at 12:37 at night, you go, like, 'I'm just tired of the snarky right now. I just want to lie down and have somebody make me laugh for an hour. Entertain me, and then I'm going to sleep with a smile on my face.' That's my job; that's what I do."

"I'm on so late I'm definitely the last seconds of anyone's attention. So I just want to give them something dumb to laugh at, so they go, 'That's funny,' then fall asleep."

"The only limit to human potential is joy is found not in possessing, but in appreciating."

"It is from a weakness and smallness of mind that men are opinionated and we are very loath to believe what we are not able to comprehend."

"I want to challenge you today to get out of your comfort zone. You have so much incredible potential on the inside. God has put gifts and talents in you that you probably don't know anything about."

"The only limit to human potential is the river of time shapes the stones of destiny."