"The real killers in the business world aren't the ones who aim for the top, it's the ones who aim for two notches below the top."

"I think that in the future, clocks won't say three o'clock anymore. They'll just get right to the point and rename three o'clock 'Pepsi.'"

"Nature is one great big wood-chipper. Sooner or later, everything shoots out the other end in a spray of blood, bones and hair."

"If God drives a car, He'd drive a 1973 Ford LTD Brougham sedan with a claret-colored vinyl roof, with oxblood leather upholstery and an opera window."

"I've always believed that there are funny people everywhere, but they're just not comedians. In fact, some of my best comedic inspirations were not professional entertainers."

"There's always an article coming out, saying, 'The new thing is funny women!'"

"I never thought of myself as like, a funny person."

"It doesn't take many people to have a bad sense of humor to get in trouble at a corporation."